Still, I think I'm beating this fucker DOWN. Once a year I get caught in the trenches and it's always a bitch. Last year, I coughed for 6-weeks before buckling and paying top dollar for a clinic doctor. Found out I had 'walking pneumonia' and was a week away from my grave. Antibiotics are no damn fun.
Haven't had coffee in TWO WHOLE DAYS, people. With all the other imbibed fluids, I forgot to feed my habit and it brought the pain. Anxiety default made me look at things on the wrong side of the moon. My life was a bag of abortions. Couldn't see nor think. Only heard the screams. This cold has made me crabby, lonely, hyper-sensitive, and maudlin. The last three times I hung out with SBX, we hosted friends and by the time the last guest left, she crashed. Leaving me wondering if the romance has left the building. She blames it on her job and my vocal unhappiness with our situation. The job thang IS beating her up, no doubt, but I must admit that my underlying sadness affects our parlay. I hate waiting in a holding pattern, waiting for her separation papers to be signed. It seems like it's taking forever and it's killing me. Plus, once they ARE signed, it doesn't mean I start sleeping over at SBX's, right away. Not when the kids are around 90% of the time. She needs to tell the kids that she is dating me and take this process of integrating me into their home verrrrry slowly. Am I man enough to wait only to be a third priority? I damn well hope so. All I do know is, I love her.
Through the coughing and sneezing, I managed to get out of my apartment and scour Carroll Gardens for some modest Hallmark tokens. I got SBX a dry bottle of Sancere, Roses, and a lemon tart. SBX walked in the door brandishing gifts for our 11-month Anniversary. I got a hot red long sleeve shirt that I can't wait to go steeple sliding in. And, she got me a bag of comix: Trondheim's NIMROD #6, and Robert Goodin's BINIBUS BARNABUS. So cute to know that SBX was in a big old comic shoppe (Jim Hanley's Universe, to be specific) searching the racks for something I would like and didn't have. Turns out, I had both, but I found it curious and cool what she picked out. Shows me her interests and what she thinks I might dig. SBX also told me of other comix and trade paperbacks she flipped through that held her attention (Paul Grist's KANE, Robyn Chapman's THEATRE OF THE GEEK, and others). Of course, I have those too. Looks like another round of comix school for my lady. Most important thing she gave me was a lovely, handwritten letter. Simple and sweet. Warming cockles.
We snuggled on the couch but wouldn't kiss for fear of infection (which drove me bananas) and watched MONSTERS, INC. I'm easy prey for such over-sentimental manipulation and my emotional reaction to the little cartoon girl named "Boo!" caused a rumble. SBX couldn't believe I let myself get caught up in the obvious and I defended my right to get caught up in any damn thing I wanted. Especially, when it involves a touchy subject like whether or not I will ever bear children with the likes of SBX, who's done with all that. Having it rough lately, SBX and I didn't need another evening of static. That's why I had to ride my bike over in the bitter cold to her home later that evening to give her the roses and lemon tart she had left behind in the dust of our argument. Patching wounds and making peace.
Feeling extra sensitive and lonely these crisp Fall days. It's driving me crazy and making me incredibly frustrated and impossible to be around. My less than attractive, inadvertently abusive emotional behavior, is no way to flounder. I may have too many outlandish ideas of what romance should be but if I can manifest half of what it could be, I think SBX and I will become better partners for it.
I'm way too worried about ME these days. My instincts are to look after SBX and her needs but I've always let my personal desires slide for the sake of others and that's why, at 35, I'm anxious about MY career, dreams, marriage, kids, a home, etc. I shouldn't be ashamed to be 35 and have almost none of what I wish but it concerns me greatly, so much so, it blind-sides what is good in my life. SBX is good for my life. I just want more than what she can give right now. And so, if we can help build strong faith and foundation and work on mutual fundamentals, I think we can make this work in spades!