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Dean Haspiel

History

10th March 2003

5:53pm: Again.
On Monday I signed a contract that allows Serializer.net to run weekly BILLY DOGMA comix online come April. I plan to use this venue to get back on deadline and finish up my next BD story "The Devil's Muumuu." I penciled the first page of THING 3 and got the call that SBX was back in town! We met up in lower Manhattan at a petite panini restaurant on Bedford & Downing, called INO. I gave her the STRICTLY BALLROOM - DVD and she gave me an EEYORE beanbag from Walt Disney World. Gifts exchanged and flesh reacquainted, we took it back to Carroll Street and busted some box springs. Miffed that I wasn't invited to sleep over at Casa la SBX [after 8-days apart], she had her control freak reasoning about getting her kids back to school sans extra hassle. As if I would be a hassle in the morning when lethargy is my prime directive? Please. I were away for a week, I'd need to slip inside my lovers deprivation tank. Refuel the cockles for a night. No such luck.

I took Fingerman, Neufeld, & MacDonald to see the AMERICAN SPLENDOR MOVIE on Tuesday @12PM, and they were categorically blown away. Viewing it a second time confirmed its mighty stealth as an indie-art film with a heart. I pray that proper marketing entices the masses and everybody involved gets their due. After some quick/shitty Greek diner food, we parted and I went home to pencil THING 3. Later, I spent a half hour hanging w/Finster & Cooly C upstairs where they were working on a TORTURED SOUL flyer for cyberspace blitz.

I was supposed to hang w/SBX for dinner and watch '24,' but an unexpected call from an ex-boyfriend mangled the plans. Goverdhan, who is Indian, lives in India w/his wife and two kids, dated SBX over 12-years ago - in India. Indian culture made a huge impact on a 20-something SBX and when she went to visit her [then] best pal, Boo in NYC, Manhattan did its trick and seduced her big time. So, SBX was divided by her devotion to her boyfriend/India, and the magic/potential of NYC. A three-month foray in NYC swayed her to return to America after a tense visit to England w/Goverdhan, which broke them up and they hadn't spoken since. So, this extraordinary rendezvous was something she needed to reconcile. I thought it best to take the high road and not invade their reunion. Disappointed [to put it lightly] I watched '24' by myself and I was on pins & needles, and NOT because of the TV drama. SBX called me after the show and caught me up w/her parlay. She was very happy to have reconnected w/Goverdhan. The Indian family that she had left behind left her w/great regret. Now, she could resuscitate that relationship and make up for the loss. Score.

I was feeling low man on the totem, again, wondering where I stood. She vacations for a week, we see each other for 3-hours, and then she's hanging w/an ex-boyfriend who's background and culture revolutionized her. I wanted SBX to feel my impact. Celebrate our revolution. Where were our traditions? Our rituals? I couldn't even count on our one-hour of television a week. The fuck?

Lonely, I grabbed my jacket and walked over to ZOMBIE HUT for $2 Pabst Blue Ribbons and the cute bartender kept me company. I drew Totem Tiki Monsters on bar naps and got hit on TWICE by a gay sous chef. We talked about homo politics and came to the conclusion that it is INCREDIBLY easy for a man to get a blowjob from another man rather than from a woman. Frustrated, I went home and drew THE THING beating up THE FRIGHTFUL FOUR.

Continued to wreak superhero havoc on Wednesday and, after pinning another penciled page to the corkboard, I went to buy new comix at Jim Hanley's Universe and rendezvoused w/SBX at her office who worked one hour later than usual while I sat in her office playing thumbs. Once again, I was the default. Our time PUSHED to the side. Were I her daughter, she'd've split work 2-hours earlier. Since I'm not a child [only act like one] she bears no legal responsibility for my time and so I can be the punching bag that gets pulped when work decides to throw jabs. I don't sit well w/that and it showed. Plans to see a movie were squashed and we went to a local Irish pub for whiskey dinner. Two co-workers were hosting a sayonara soiree and SBX wanted to sling back a goodbye drink. I yucked it up & hit it off w/her co-workers trading naughty stories and making jokes. SBX's boyfriend made his Broadway splash and was a box office hit.

Didn’t matter.

And so the F-train ride home turned sour. Depressed? Drunk? Both. She fell asleep in her seat. "Should I go home?" Zzzzzzzz. Should I take her home? Zzzzzzz. What WAS this!? Finally. Lids batted and a cogent trickle of syllables uttered. She thought maybe I should go home. A minute later, she wanted me to sleep over. Zzz. Go home. Zzz. Sleep over.

Snore.

She paid the babysitter and was starving. Alcohol had been our dinner. She went into the kitchen and scoured the fridge, pulling out snacks to munch. I looked about the living room. Stared at the floor. Ceiling could use a scrub. Finally, she asked "Are you hungry?" I was. But food could wait. I wanted her. I was hungry for her attention. Her smile. Her hug. And that's when I asked, again -- "Should…I just go…home?"

"Yes. Go home."

I would make THE worst poker player EVER. My hand tipped, bluff blown, I didn't want her to say that. I wanted her to want me. Need me. She told me she didn't need me. Man alive! You don't tell that to your lover after dating 15-months unless you're trying to break up w/them. All she cared about was feeding her body and putting that body to bed. She wanted me to leave. I snapped. I screamed FUCK YOU and punched my chest. Livid. I called her a MERCENARY BITCH. She asked for her house key back and gave me my set for my apartment back to me. I didn't want my house keys back. I didn't want her to abandon me. Then, she retrieved everything that was mine in her house, which ended up being only three items: a book, a drawing board, and a laptop. That was it? Pathetic. We'd been dating for so long and those were the only things I had in her house? And then she said it, again...

"I don't need you."

She MADE me leave and locked the door. I stood outside in the freezing cold. AGAIN. Vowing to never go through this. AGAIN. I called her telephone three times. She refused to pick up. Again.

I went home.

Again.

Thursday morning, I tried calling SBX's house 5-times. She wouldn't pick up. I called her office and cell phone and left messages apologizing for screaming at her. I emailed her and wrote the same. The silence was deafening, so I rode my bike to Montague Street to do some quick banking and came back home. SBX called @11:45AM to tell me that she was upset and "at a loss" by what happened between us and needed a few days to think about what to do. I agreed w/her and we rang off.

Again.
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