Man-Size (man_size) wrote,

Don't think

Having no religion I have no tradition for death. No funeral. No way to cope with loss. And, despite recent efforts to rally and meet delinquent deadlines and go back to a semblance of normal, the loss of my brother Mike hangs around me like a ghost in the periphery of all my senses. If I think I see him then I think I hear him and then I get stuck on the last time I hugged him to say "goodbye," not knowing that was the very last time. Death is a concept too big to understand until it hits close to home and tears your heart apart and then you don't understand it even more. Traditionally, I'm Mr. Knee-Jerk Reaction and I flex opinions for stuff I have no education nor experience in. I'm a thousand year library of advice. But, when it comes to losing my brother the way he got lost, I'm at a loss. And the 15 unopened boxes of his "stuff" that sit stacked in columns near his Plasma screen TV in my living room doesn't help me get passed the fact that he is forever gone never to enjoy his stuff ever again. And what is life but to enjoy? Move? Make?

So I move and make and try to enjoy. It's not like I don't laugh. I laugh all the time. And then I cry. But crying is like laughing. Only sadder. Meanwhile, my mom hops in her truck and drives with her dog and they go places. I'm happy she's getting out and experiencing some of America and visiting friends. It's a proactive escape. My father is stuck in the cave that he's built but that's his way. And, SBX, and my friends are there for me when I'm stuck in my cave. Only, the only thing I know how to do is to fill another blank page and clip away making stories. I was never very good at relaxing and I'm worse at stewing. I hate to think too much. As my best friend Mike Hueston once said about holding court in front of a jury, "If you think, you stink." And it took me awhile to understand what he was talking about which was the art of conviction and deriving verdicts. So, I'm finding my way again and picking up where I left off a different man -- having said goodbye to my brother for the very last time.

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