Man-Size (man_size) wrote,
Man-Size
man_size

Apathy





This past week and weekend was hell. I had an enormous amount of inking to catch up on and it stretched my ability to rally. By Saturday, I buckled and fell into a sea of blackness. Black, because I felt...apathy. I never feel apathy. I usually feel anxious which means I'm rattled but still in the fight. My punches may be weak or scattered but I still have one arm up blocking body blows. And, I'm always in the fight. Instead, I hung semi-conscious between ropes feeling apathetic about my career and my life. My career because I'm drawing this graphic novel that is heavy on the soul and, at best, the final product hopes to bring me a "job well done." Which, I suppose should be good enough, right?

I drowned.

In reaching for the surface, I became extremely apathetic about the notion of family because, well, that's my biggest let down about life...my inability to manifest family. My experience growing up was a trying one. The only person in my family that makes an iota of sense is my mother and I can't hang all my hopes on one woman. Especially one who has become so cavalier in her latter years. She actually makes being alone seem cool. I don't want to be that cool -- yet.

By midnight Saturday I felt compromised about romance because it's not unconditional and it involves so much time management that I don't know how to be free for another within my harried schedule. I can't hop outside to steal time like a good boy ought to for his girl.

I guess it didn't help that SUPERMAN THE MOVIE was playing in the background all day Saturday. The DVD "extras" sported three documentaries on how the filmmakers made it possible for a man to fly. And then there's Christopher Reeve [whom I was never a big fan of], paralyzed in his chair, assisted breathing, sucking up his pride and telling the world how cool it all was.

"You've got me? Who's got you?!"

Broke my fucking heart.



*****

OK -- I don't need no LJ affection. Just wanted to let that one escape. It happens to the best of us and I'm back to anxious mode. Looking to my right, I see the sun is smiling and fighting the good fight for Spring and kicking those clouds in the ass. I think I'll go buy some popcorn and take a front row seat. I have some cheering to do.
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