Man-Size (man_size) wrote,

Areola Like Table Mats

Early last year, my pal Sam Henderson [humorist extraordinaire and genius behind THE MAGIC WHISTLE] was asked to steward a fun publishing venture titled LEMON CURRY for the Graham Chapman estate. Sam reached out to some of his favorite cartoonists to manifest the comix doppleganger's of Graham Chapman's unique British humor. Chapman was legendary for co-creating the now classic MONTY PYTHON.

I was sent a script, drew character sketches, and broke it down into two pages of layouts. Everyone was happy and the project was moving forward. Then? Limbo. Finally, the project died. Too bad. LEMON CURRY could've made for a swell companion piece for fans of HOLY GRAIL, THE MEANING OF LIFE, etc.

This one gets filed under "What could've been..."

By Graham Chapman

A pub. Two men, NIGEL and CLIVE sit at the bar. At a table sit two women, DORIS and VERA. A BEAUTIFUL GIRL passes by.

NIGEL: Cor, look at that!

CLIVE: Areola like table mats!

NIGEL: Bloody hell, I wouldn't mind getting my hands 'round those racehorse like vestibule glands of hers!

CLIVE: And cop a load of her circuli venosi... Like tinned spaghetti!

NIGEL: And she's got lactiferous ducts like beer taps!

CLIVE: I reckon she's got a mullerian tubicle like the Empire State Building!

NIGEL: And-and-and fimbria like gardening gloves!

CLIVE: Er, you are talking about the girl with the big tits, right?

DORIS: Just listen to them. Disgusting.

VERA: My knockers were bigger than hers when I was 14.

DORIS: When I was just 10 I had to have my knockers stapled down to stop them inconveniencing passersby.

VERA: Well, when I was not quite 6 and a half, I had to have a team of pall bearers just to carry my breasts to infant school.

DORIS: That's nothing, before I was even born my tits were so huge that my mother had to spend her entire confinement in the Albert Hall.

VERA: Listen... when I was just an embryo one single nipple of mine was so fucking huge that I couldn't even be born!

DORIS: Yeah? Well, even the twinkles in my father's eyes were such enormous nipples that he had to wear a bra around his eyes! So he missed my mother completely and I was never even conceived!

CLIVE: Just listen to them. Pathetic.

DEREK: Yeah. (BEAT) I bet my chest is hairier than yours.

DEREK rips open his shirt to reveal an incredible hairy chest.

CLIVE: Wow. You've got areola like table mats!



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